Eulogy 
(As read by Beth in Adam’s funeral)

As I stand here before all of you, I remember fearing this moment for months. Since I first learned that Adam was sick and beyond cure, I dreaded having to stand next to my husband’s coffin and talk about him. Because, when you meet the person you want to spend your life with, you always hope that life together will be long and happy. Happily ever after. But as much as we wanted it, ours wasn’t. And it’s not only because of the war. It’s nobody’s fault and everybodys. Even ours.

When I met him, beyond the handsome man in uniform, I saw his eyes.  I saw a good man. He wanted to help people; he wanted to change the world. An idealist. I fell in love with him and his dreams. We got married and started a family.  He was a loving husband and a very good dad…the look in his eyes when he first looked at his daughter…  It was so inspiring…

And then the war begun. He told me one day that he was going. Not because he was ordered to, but because he needed to go. It’s not that he believed in war, he believed going into battle was his way to right a wrong—to change the world, to make it better for our daughter.  Most of his friends thought the same way. They felt like superheroes following their call to save the world. They were fathers, sons, husbands, and friends. They all went to fight bursting with confidence and thinking they had to fight for their families, for their country. They would fight and then come back to their loved ones. They were naive.

They knew there were dangers, but I don’t think anyone goes to war thinking that they´re gonna die. The only thing in their minds is succeed and survive.

When Adam was fighting I was terrified. I don’t know if he ever felt like this, but if he did, he never told me. He only called and let me know everything was fine, he then would tell me some jokes and stories about his friends there. He wanted to know about me, about Claire. I did most of the talking. We only said that we missed each other, but that was it. My fear, my struggles were not part of the conversation. I didn’t want to put more on his shoulders. Every conversation ended with, “be safe” and “I love you”.

Their first mission was a success. That day the call was full of laughter and promises of returning home soon. I could hear the guys cheering in the background. But then, everything started to change. And it all began with a kid… Later Adam told me how he saw fear in the eyes of a small child, when they were entering a town. She was Claire’s age. He thought they were bringing hope. He expected people welcoming them with their arms open. Instead, he saw fear, tears, and no signs of hope.

Me and Adam, we used to love the rain, we spent hours in silence listening to it. But when he was away, all rain brought was a feeling of loneliness. And things just kept getting worse. It was raining the day Adam told me that six of his friends died the day before. Men, just like him, that will not return home.

With the first deaths, men began to realize that some of them will not survive. They made promises to each other, to take care of each other’s families. They were thinking about their loved ones, writing good-bye letters just in case. They were young men, facing death so soon in life, one idea creeping through their minds… “If I die…”

In one of the darkest days, Adam watched a little girl getting killed in front of him. She was hit by a bullet that came from nowhere… He told me that he saw our daughter’s face in that kid when she died. He tried to help her, but there was nothing he could do. That moment, one of the worst days of his life, haunted him until his last day.  He didn’t talk about those things anymore.  When we talked on the telephone, he was still making jokes, only telling me that he was tired and not sleeping very well. He didn’t tell me about the deaths. Nothing about his fears. I told him about my day and about Claire. But when we video chatted, I could tell by his eyes that he was tired, scared, and sad. I didn’t ask, I didn’t try to learn the truth. In fact, I wasn’t truthful myself. I didn’t tell him about the anti-war rallies I was attending.  I didn’t tell him that Claire wasn’t fine, that she had nightmares about his dad dying.

Time passed and his time in service was almost over. That’s when it happened. One night, one mission, all hell breaking loose. They were ambushed while they were trying to retrieve some radioactive material stolen by rebels. Shot by shot, they were killed. One by one, all of Adam’s friends died. Adam was badly injured but was the only one who survived. I remember that night, Claire was restless. Like she had sensed something was wrong. I found her praying in her room, praying for her father, for his safe return home.

Adam was alive, recovering from his injuries, but his mind was badly hurt. He felt confused, guilty, ashamed. He wanted to make a change in the world, but he couldn’t. Was it all for nothing? After a while, they put him on a plane and sent him home to us.

When I heard about Adam’s injuries, I stopped going to the anti-war rallies. Not because of Adam’s return, but because last time things had gotten so violent that it didn’t make sense. Violence to stop war. War to bring peace. It doesn’t make sense to me.

When we welcomed Adam at the airport, our eyes found each other, and we needed no words to know what we felt. The only thing we needed to know is that we had each other. Everything else, we would fight it together. Claire was ecstatic. It was the first real smile I had seen in her face since Adam left for war. She wasn’t scared or sad. Adam was also smiling, but I could see through that smile. I knew every bit of that face. And even with time and war marked on his features, I could read every line, every gesture. I spoke to his ear, “we’re together now, we can deal with anything if we are together.” Adam held my hand and asked me for forgiveness. I didn’t understand. He told us he was home, but he would have to leave again soon. He was dying. He was exposed to radiation in the ambush and there was nothing anyone could do for him. He came home to die.

When I think of those days, a bittersweet sensation overcomes me. Of course there wasn’t enough time. Adam was absent, his mind wandering, he had nightmares. Claire was destroyed, she was almost afraid to talk to her dad. I tried, but I couldn’t cope with that anymore. I doubted Adam’s love for me, for our daughter. I was angry, frustrated and lonely. It felt like he was dead already. I even doubted of my love for him. In my darkest hour, it was our daughter who was wiser than both of us. She reminded me of my love for Adam. She told me she was angry and sad like me, but she was sure that love was there, stronger than ever. I saw a little of Adam in her eyes, and a little of me too. She calmed my mind and my heart.

I gave Adam space to deal with his demons. I thought it was very important to make peace with his father, to connect with him, the soldier of the past. He visited his grave, he talked to him there. He assured me he saw his father in uniform, but it wasn’t his old uniform. It was the enemy’s uniform, the uniform that brought nightmares to Adam. And in the same way he saw our daughter in the children when he was fighting, he saw the enemy as a person, just like him, just like his father. He told me that changed him. The value of all life was more evident than ever before.

His last days were peaceful. He was with me and Claire as much as he could. He seemed in peace. One night I heard him talking to Claire. Adam told her that she saved him. Seeing Claire in those kids, he saw himself. He saw kindness and purity. He saw the real potential of humanity. He told her that every day and everywhere, she was in his thoughts. And as Claire looked after him at war, he would look for her forever, from inside his heart.

In his journey to the infinite, Adam was accompanied by the brothers he lost in the war. He could listen to their silent shout; he felt the melancholy and grief of the ones who couldn’t say good-bye.

Death can be sweet, if you embrace it. It can purify your soul, if you accept it. It can bring peace to everyone, if you find meaning. It can shape a future with wisdom and joy, if you believe in eternity.

My beloved Adam, rest in peace, we let you go now. I understand that by dying here, you made all the difference in the world. You witnessed too many silent shouts. I will give light to your voice.  See you in eternity.  Thank you for your life.